He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just cropdusted the office
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
