You're earring is so big in my mouth
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
