I cannot find my penis.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
