I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
