great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
