i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The chlamydia really affected his face.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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