Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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