Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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