You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize