I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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