I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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