I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
