I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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