Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
