Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
