My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
