I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize