Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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