I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
