Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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