I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
