We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just gargled with NyQuil
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize