I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
