i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
