That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
