ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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