tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
