i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
