Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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