I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
