i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
