her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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