you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
