I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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