Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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