literally had 100 drinks last night.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
