an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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