Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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