They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
