dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
