I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
