dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize