I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
