I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
