There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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