Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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