guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
