Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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