You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
