He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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