Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
