Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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