Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
