Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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