After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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