Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
