Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
