Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
