I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
