I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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